It’s amazing how drastically life can change in the course of two years. The amount of time seems so insignificant.
Sitting here on my couch my heart is hurting but for the first time in two years this pain is not devastating. In situations like these, you try to avoid dwelling on those happy memories and focus instead, on the bad so that your anguish seems justified. No matter how much emphasis I place on the lies, manipulations, letdowns, and empty promises those small moments keeps sneaking their way back in. I miss your hands. I miss the way you zone out and tell stories from your childhood without even realizing that you’re talking. The way you laughed with your soul always made me smile and I miss that too. But when I see you, none of these things exist anymore. You’re cold; distant. When you wrap your arms around me I’m uncomfortable—all of the pain you’ve caused bubbles to the surface and rather than melting into your arms I shudder at the thought of being so close to you.
I don’t mean to complain, in fact - you’ve made it very easy on me. I’m tempted to text you but I know your response will leave much to be desired. When we spend time together the silences are these empty spaces that seem to swallow both of us whole. When you ask how I’m doing I roll my eyes and debate whether or not I should even waste my breath telling you—you won’t listen and you’ll ask again within the hour forgetting about the first encounter altogether.
You expect me to assuage your fears and worries whenever life becomes overwhelming but if I’m upset you tell me I’m a “crazy girl”. Is it crazy that I want you to be honest with me? Is it crazy that I expect you to respect me? Is it crazy that I want you to listen to me when my mom is in the hospital and I’m having a tough, lonely day? Maybe it is.
All of these memories bring me to this. I’m done and I’m at peace with it. I know you’ve found a new girl who feels the same way I felt just two years ago and I’m torn between being happy for you and trying to warn her about who you really are. I’m hurt that you’ve moved on but you’re still trying to string me along. Just stop. I have wonderful friends, a supportive family, and a full life with work and school. I’m not dependent on you and you don’t need me anymore.
Let’s just shake hands and go our separate ways.
alone. alone. alone. alone. lonely?
People frequently define the fullness of their lives by their relationships. You often hear couples gushing about how they found their other half in their partner or saying that they felt incomplete when they were single. Some women use friendship as a romantic placeholder and men do the same thing (though they are less vocal about it). The ways we attempt to fill the emptiness in our souls are fascinating. If you take into account the hookup friendly culture in which we live, the complications intensify. Add to that an ever growing technological window and what you end up with is a serious skewed world of connections.
Call me crazy, but I really don’t feel a special connection with any of my 250 facebook friends or 250 blog readers. When I’m having a down day, I don’t feel any solace from my glowing macbook pro. I recently upgraded to a “smartphone” with touch technology because apparently I cannot be bothered with the pressing of buttons to navigate all of the trendy features my phone has to offer. No matter how many apps I download, I’m still going to feel a distinct disconnect from anyone who sends a message in my direction. The buffer provided to us my technology is only adding to this increasing emptiness we all feel. At this point in my life, as a young single woman, I feel as though my friendly relationships should hold a great deal of importance. However, when I reach out to those closest to me, I generally feel as though I’m talking to myself. My computer screen has no empathy. I digress…
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and whether or not they should be a means of self-completion. Because I am single, does this somehow mean that I am missing a better portion of myself? Am I incomplete without a man around to fill in the spaces? I wonder whether I will ever feel completely at peace without a loving partner. Even on days when I’m exceptionally great at my job, find time to meet with friends, and indulge in one of my hobbies, there still seems to be an uneasy feeling of…what? I have no idea. You frequently hear that you are not ready for a relationship until you don’t want one. When I first came to college, finding a boyfriend was the last thing on my mind. In college, you’re supposed to kiss boys at parties, drink lots of low-class beer, and skip classes because your teacher doesn’t take attendance. After a high-school career filled with near-perfect attendance, high involvement in church activities, and no parties (let alone alcohol) I thought delving into this new world would be fun. I also saw a change in lifestyle as something as necessary as wearing a coat in this frigid Chicago winters. It only took a week before I met the person that would occupy the first two years of my college experience. Not as a boyfriend, but as a constant source of confusion, joy, and at times anguish. Rather than living my life in college as a single woman learning to feel complete on her own, I gave in to my emptiness and filled it with an exciting potential love. Two years later, I am plunged back into the same emptiness I felt before and I do not know how to fill the void. I think that right now, my solution is to fill it with work. Two jobs and 21 credit hours at school. Don’t leave any time to breathe and you won’t feel quite as worthless, right?
All of my rambling leads to this. I feel empty. Sometimes when I lay down at night, I put my hand on my heart just to be sure that there is some sort of activity there. If you need someone to feel “complete”, what are you supposed to do until you meet them? I have never felt like I needed a relationship to feel whole but as my friends begin to pair off and walk down various aisles, I have to wonder what it means to be alone. What can you do to fill the emptiness that will eventually be replaced with love? Does true love really fill any void or is it a temporary distraction? Why are young people so content to settle when it comes to matters of the heart?
I’ve always felt so cheated by the boys I choose to date because I feel like the relationships are so secret. I hate that I don’t get to tell people about the boy I like and I’m sick of answering the question, “So are you seeing anyone?” with “It’s a long story”. Why can’t I ever have a short, uncomplicated story? I think someday I will find that but until then I have to keep telling my long stories to people who are curious about my romantic endeavors.
Having said that, when my horrendously complicated relationships end, sometimes I’m grateful for a bit on anonymity. I like that I don’t have to explain to everyone why it didn’t work out. The few people who were aware of my relationship are usually up to date on the reasons for its demise. It’s sort of nice not having to explain. For once, I can actually explain the end of a relationship by saying that sometimes it just doesn’t work out. We had bad timing, kid. I love you a lot but I can’t pretend like this is working anymore.
The most difficult thing I ever have to do is take responsibility for personal wrongdoing. No one is perfect, so why is it so difficult to man-up and admit your fault? I am trying desperately to take ownership of my mistakes. I do some awful things sometimes. These actions don’t define me, but they could and that terrifies me. I’ve broken plenty of relationships in my day and sometimes thinking of the past breaks my heart all over again. I am trying to be better but I will always fail. The important thing is that I keep trying and admit that I have a long way to go before perfection. Life is so heavy sometimes. Simply the weight of living threatens to be unbearable.
Again today she tells me that I am not interested in a real relationship, only the thrill of the chase. It breaks my heart when she makes these horrible assumptions about me. Especially when I know she hates him. The worst part is, I hate him sometimes too. I wonder if I don’t hate myself more than him because I stay. Through the demanding drunken midnight drunk texts to the utter indifference concerning anything of importance to me—I wonder why I waste my time? One of my all time favorite quotes goes as follows…
“Just because you love someone does not mean you have to be involved with them. Love is not a bandage to cover wounds.”
I believe my excuse for staying in hopeless relationships is often linked back to my inability to overcome my heart. Once I fall for someone I have a horribly tumultuous inner-conflict about leaving. Regardless of how bad things are, something in me says “but you like him”. It keeps reminding me how sweet he was in the beginning. I try to remember only the good parts of “us” and blot out the bad. But that’s not how life works. I remember sitting at my computer months ago making a series of promises to myself. I wrote for hours. I sobbed—my keyboard was soaked. And here I am, back in the same place. Still making excuses, still hoping that things will turn around. But the reality is that they won’t. The only way things are going to look up is if I find the strength to walk away. Maybe leaving will force him to realize my worth. Maybe by walking away, I will give him a better view. Sometimes the best thing for two people is to realize that it’s simply not working.
When my mom tells me she thinks I’m not ready for a boyfriend, it breaks my heart because I disagree. It makes me feel like she enjoys watching me fail. It’s almost as though each heartbreak I endure proves her point more and more. It doesn’t help that she’s always telling me I’m too young to date. Apparently living on my own thousands of miles away from home doesn’t qualify me for a relationship.
On that note…
I am constantly wondering why I am inadequate. What about me is not fulfilling in terms of a romantic relationship? I don’t need to be married, but I would like to be loved. I’ve never had that before. A mutual love and respect with someone. I realize there are no quick fixes. It took me a long time to accept that and at times I still forget it. Moving to a new state, meeting all new people, and building a new life only proved to me that no matter how far you run you still have to live with yourself. Real change has to come from within. The same insecurities I had at home are with me in my new world. The names and faces change but the game is the same. While I wish I could magically be the person I want to be, I know that’s not how life works. I wonder if I will ever reach a spot in my single life where I am completely at peace with myself. Part of me thinks that would be wonderful and the other part is appalled because there is always something you can do to make yourself a better person.
I just wish that I could meet someone amazing so I could reap the benefits of a loving relationship. I think I’ve more than paid my dues and it’s time I was with someone who cared about me as much as I care about them. I once read in a book that all relationships are essentially a power struggle and the person who likes the other person less has all the control. I think this is true for bad relationships. I’d like to be in a good relationship where there is no power struggle. I think that when things work out they just…balance. No fight. When it’s right it just happens. Dramatic complications in relationships belong in chick flicks, not in my love life.
This post was all over the place. I have a lot on my mind and no one I feel I can truly talk to right now so this is where it all lands. Well…here and in my real journal. I’ll figure it out. I’ve got a lot of time.
I found an old note in my phone with a fragment of a thought. I decided to share it.
“When the sun goes down and the dark sky envelops you, a palpable shift occurs. The darkness acts as a sort of mask and we feel safer doing things that would be unacceptable under the light of day. The question is, why do we shy away from the light? Why do we require anonymity to act on our unscrupulous impulses?”
I’ve been thinking about nothing this week. The absence of everything is something around which I cannot wrap my mind. The interesting thing about “nothing” is that as soon as it is acknowledged, it becomes something. Once you recognize nothing’s existence, it has become something and is no longer nothing. I find this endlessly intriguing. As humans, we seek to know everything. Innovators and explorers devote their lives to uncovering that which is unknown. They want to uncover the secrets of life and share them with the world. These people are unhappy with the mystery. They have discovered nothing but cannot share it. I think that it is absolutely fascinating that there is something that exists only until you think about it. Nothing is an abstract concept that can never occur and be acknowledged simultaneously. Am I the only one who thinks this is tragically beautiful?
“A nagging voice in your head is like your own private DVD commentary on Monday and Tuesday. If only it had a sense of humor! Your meticulousness might be your downfall: There are just too many details to deal with. Then, on Wednesday, the irrelevant periphery falls away and you find yourself staring into the eyes of someone you feel awfully strongly about. Ah, beauty! Ah, romance! Your infatuation with this person has you feeling possessive on Friday, but give them space. Saturday you sense that some major changes in your life are afoot, and Sunday you’re glowing.”
Do you ever wonder how accurate your horoscope is going to be? I feel like this has been dead on this week and my plans for this evening hint that it may continue to be accurate.
Here’s to the night…
